Granting a Family - Chapter 1: The Dream

 

Elizabeth turned to once again flee the jail. Nathan moved quickly and turned her around to face him. She stared deeply into his piercing blue eyes with that longing look he had seen so many times before.

“Elizabeth, l don’t believe you. I know you haven’t just been looking for Jack in me the past 3 years. Don’t go. Do you remember what the plaque says? ‘Always do what you are afraid to do’. I know you’re scared, so am I! But I promised I would fight for love, I will always fight for you!” Tears were streaming down Nathan’s face. His face felt so wet…

Nathan’s eyes were suddenly open and he realized it was just a dream...a dream of how he wished things had gone yesterday in the jail. He realized his pillow was soaked with tears as he rolled over and groaned. The position of the sun told him Allie would be home soon from her first day of school. He was grateful for a mandatory day off, due to the long hours and days searching for Jesse. Not only did he need the rest, he couldn’t face anyone in Hope Valley today. 

As the sun hit his eyes, his head suddenly throbbed and he cursed that final drink he had last night at the Saloon. As much as he wanted to keep fighting for Elizabeth, he knew that he had to let her go. Yesterday he was too exhausted, and her words were like a knife straight through his heart. He still believed she felt the same way as him, but for whatever reason she couldn’t face her fears and love him back. She was choosing the comfortable, not the most meaningful relationship. He knew the line about looking for Jack in him was an excuse. It hurt, but he was a Mountie and could get through just about anything. 

It had never felt like a sacrifice to come and look after Elizabeth and little Jack. The pain hit his heart in a more tender spot thinking about little Jack Thornton. He had longed to raise the boy as his own, and losing that dream stung just as bitterly as losing the chance to love the boy’s mother. 

Last night was the first time he experienced what true self-sacrifice was. In what he considered  to be his last duty of protection for Elizabeth, he went to Lucas and told him to stay. It took everything in him to say Elizabeth did not love him, she had always had feelings for Lucas. In that moment, he released Elizabeth into the arms of a man Nathan didn’t believe was right for her, or would truly make her complete and happy. But if that is what she wanted, Nathan would do what it took for her to have her wish...even if he lost everything in the process. 

He longed to go back to sleep to stop the pain he was feeling in his head and his heart. What time was it anyway? Shouldn’t Allie be home by now?

He heard the front door open and slam closed. He winced as his head throbbed, but suddenly heard loud sobs downstairs. He put on his robe and rushed down to find Allie in a heap on the couch in tears. 

“Allie, what’s wrong? Did something happen at school?” Nathan asked as he sat down and put his hand on her shoulder.

“No. Oh, Uncle Nathan!” Allie was inconsolable.

Nathan tried rubbing her back and softly uttering things like “It’s ok, it will be alright.” Slowly Allie calmed down enough to speak without crying.

“I don’t know how to tell you this. I don’t want to tell you this, but I have to. I was walking to look at the leaves just outside of town before I came home. I knew there was a bridge with a bunch of fallen leaves I wanted to see, but what I saw on the bridge instead…” Allie started to cry again.

“What is it Allie? Can I help?” Nathan asked.

“Mrs. Thornton and Mr. Bouchard were kissing on the bridge!” Allie blurted out.

Nathan felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. The wind was knocked out of him, and tears formed in his own eyes.

“Allie,” Nathan said quietly, “there’s something I need to tell you, but just couldn’t before.” 

“Oh,” Allie looked down and was pretty sure she knew what was coming.

“Yesterday,” Nathan began, “Mrs. Thorton came to see me at the jail. She told me she’s not in love with me.” He could barely get the words out. “She told me to tell you she thinks I’m impeccable.”

Allie was no longer crying, she was angry! “How dare she…”

“Now Allie, we want the people we love to be happy. If Lu..Mr. Bouchard does that for Eli...Mrs. Thornton, then we will be happy for her”. Nathan tried to be as convincing as possible for Allie, but he wasn’t even sure he could ever convince himself. “I’m sorry you had to see them kiss, especially before I told you what happened. Why don’t we take our minds off that and go make some dinner.”

“Are you ok, Uncle Nathan?” Allie asked as she put her hand in his.

“I will be eventually,” he hoped. 

He wondered if there was any hope left in Hope Valley right now. He was grateful for Allie, but he longed for the day he had someone to share every aspect of his life with. The past several months had been the most difficult of his entire life, and that was saying a lot. If only he could share his burdens...yet he carried them alone and tried to keep them to himself, because Allie was just a child and deserved to be sheltered from any pain he could keep from her. He hated that he hadn’t protected her from the pain of losing Elizabeth as a mother figure. He had tried to keep his feelings suppressed for Allie’s sake...and Elizabeth’s. 

Nathan tried not to feel bitter that Elizabeth wouldn’t leave him alone, knowing how he felt. She constantly would seek him out and give him false hope that she felt the same way he did. Her longing stares, their deep conversations, and their passionate fights had kept hope alive for him. 

But he should have known he would never be able to overcome the expensive grand gestures, over-the-top dates, and smooth-talking charm of Lucas Bouchard with his book deals and city upbringing. Who was Nathan kidding? He would never live up to any of that. Then there was the Fort Clay revelation that made a relationship between him and Elizabeth all but impossible. Heck, he wasn’t sure he could ever overcome people seeing him as anything more than Constable Jack Thornton’s replacement.

Allie clanking pans around in the kitchen brought him out of his thoughts. “I’m going to make you breakfast for dinner since you slept most of the day. Is that ok, Uncle Nathan?” 

“That sounds great, thank you Allie.” His body told him he was hungry, even though he didn’t seem to have much of an appetite. “Thank you for always being there for me, Allie girl. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Nathan had a lump in his throat and it took everything in him to not burst into tears again.

“We’re a team. We’ll always have each other’s back. For what it’s worth, Mrs. Thornton doesn’t know what she’s missing.” Allie gave half a smile then turned back to making bacon, eggs, and pancakes for the one person in her life who had always been there for her. She wouldn’t let him down when he needed her the most.

As the sun set, Nathan and Allie ate their simple meal, laughed at Nathan’s bad dad jokes, and talked about the fishing trip they had planned for next weekend. In that moment, Nathan knew eventually every little thing was gonna be alright.